Three little words… (not what you think)
February 22, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
As you come into my therapy room, you pass through a part of the building that is quite boring.
I decided to liven up a stretch of wall with some great wall-art.
Three words that read ‘Love, Laugh, Live’ now reside there.
- Is that a good mission statement for a living human being? You might also like to read about how to be happy
- If you’d like further lexical inspiration, mouse over to quotes about being alive
- If you were really dissapointed that those three little words were not what you thought, find some romance here
Quotes about being alive
February 22, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 2 Comments
“I have listened. And I have looked with open eyes. I have poured
my soul into the world, seeking the unknown within the known. And I
sing out loud in amazement.”
~Rabindranath Tagore
Indian Philosopher and Nobel prize winning author
It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
~Chinese proverb
“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean
over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will
suddenly know everything there is to be known.”
~Winnie-the-Pooh. (Fictional bear created by A.A.Milne)
I think laughter may be a form of courage. As humans we sometimes
stand tall and look into the sun and laugh, and I think we are never
more brave than when we do that.
~Linda Ellerbee (1944- ) American Journalist
“The good thing about the past is that it is over.”
~ Richard Bandler, Co-founder of Neuro-Linguistic Programming
“The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth.”
~Albert Einstein, physicist
“Fear less, cherish more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe
more; talk less, listen more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.”
~Old Swedish Proverb
“Gratitude is wealth. Complaint is poverty.”
~Doris Day, American actress
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
~Lord Byron (1788-1824) English Poet
“I sing what is in my heart. My only thought now is to sing as I have never sung before.”
~Betty Robbins
“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”
~Albert Schweitzer, missionary physician
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
~ Dr. Seuss
“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.”
- Henry David Thoreau, essayist
Life is short and far too fragile. Whatever you dream of doing, begin. Put a first step or a “down payment” on your schedule and make it happen. Create memories. Have fun. Have an adventure. Take a (reasonable) risk. Be audacious. Laugh out loud. See what happens.
~Philip Humbert
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
~Mahatma Gandhi
You are younger today than you will ever be again. Make use of it for the sake of tomorrow.
~Norman Cousins, editor
I live a day at a time. Each day I look for a kernel of excitement. In the morning, I say: ‘What is my exciting thing for today?’ Then, I do the day. Don’t ask me about tomorrow.
~Barbara Jordan 1936-1996, Lawyer, Educator and Politician
Do not take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
~Hubbard, Elbert
Debutante arrives
February 21, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Stating the obvious
Even before ‘Blog’ was picked as word of the year by Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2004, people have been enraptured by the blogosphere.
Blog, of course, is a shortened form of the word ‘weblog’ which does what it says on the tin - it is a log of web recordings.
Normally a blog is a written piece, with good photos, and the odd video popped in from time to time. As each dated entry (post) is added, it sits above its predecessor, and so the weblog entries are displayed in reverse chronological order - just like all of the pages on this site that are accessed from the blue toolbar (the black toolbar pages are static pages, and are not blog-style pages)
Years ago, when I myself was one of the enraptured, I would be content with reading almost anything, because blogs were all such a novelty, and there was little choice around. These days the coverage is of all subjects that you can think of, and the scope is as broad and deep as the pacific ocean (probably).
Who knew?
People have taken to blogging like a duck to that massive body of water, and the activity of blogging has grown exponentially. People from all over the world, from all different socio-economic groups make blogs. So, what is the global fascination with blogging?
Blogging is so easy. There are really easy to use blog sites, that offer you a ready-made nice-looking blog template system, where you just type in your stuff and press publish, and its all for free! No Webmaster, no SEO, no hosting fees, nothing.
Anyone can create an online presence, and therefore can exist in cyberspace.
Why should your therapist or counsellor blog?
As an independent counselling and therapy professional, Blogging is great for me.
I can
Not only can I evolve and develop by researching and writing this stuff, but also, I can learn from the comments that you provide - from my feedback from you.
Blogging allows me to connect with you in a way that a static site never could (and never did!).
I can demonstrate to you my individuality. Show you what I am like as a person. And, unlike the articles that you read here, in my blog, I can show the fun and light-hearted side of myself.
When you have sessions with me, you will find that I am good at what I do, I take you seriously and I find out what needs to be done, and get down to it. But also, there is room for some real human relating, and that includes laughing sometimes (yes, even in counselling and psychotherapy - sometimes) . Not only do I want to share information with you, but I want to share a more whole view of me as a person. I hope you like it 
What to do on a Friday afternoon…
What is the point of being beautiful if you never go outside?
I have decided that it might be worth popping my blog onto some excellent bloglisting sites, so that a few more people can see me.
I have listed them below:
You might do this with your own blog, too - feel free to use this list of blog directories.
From Victim to Victor
February 20, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
What happens to people?
As people, at different times in our life, we have individual crises such as loss, death, destruction, abandonment and betrayal.
As survivors of these situations we can often be left feeling helpless, depressed, full of guilt, or angry. Sometimes clients describe it to me as ‘in a black hole’ or a ‘being pulled down into a downward spiral’ ‘trapped’ or ‘up against a wall’.
Clients may find it difficult to control their thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and may be experiencing uncomfortable sensations or having upsetting images.
Often we find, as we get talking in counselling sessions, things revealed, such as,
- They doubt the possibility of existing without danger,
- They don’t feel able to control their destiny,
- Their confidence in their decision-making has gone.
What is the impact?
These people may feel angry or rageful. They might have a sense of powerlessness. It is common to oscillate between the two concepts of self (on the one hand ‘important and angry’ and on the other hand ‘insignificant’). They may lie awake at night thinking. They might be battling with solutions and come to no satisfactory way to put the situation to rights, or let it rest. This might lead the person into frustration, or being fatigued.
Temptation to adopt a ‘victim’ identity is quite strong. I speak with clients who are going through all of this and they commonly discount all previous achievements and cannot account for future accomplishments. The trauma has taken over and clouded their whole experience.
How can counselling help?
Through counselling we can move from being a victim to becoming a victor. Using the counselling conversations for reaching the inner pain and then discovering our inner strength.
The aims of the counselling are to acknowledge what happened, how it is impacting you and how to move forward.
What can we do in counselling?
The part of therapy that is about moving on from acknowledgment may include such things as:
- Understanding what happened
- Discovering coping resources
- Changing priorities and assuming self responsibility for healing
- Build a flexible balancing of tension and relaxation
- Developing strategies for dealing with crisis, stress and trauma
- Develop positive affirmations of resilience
- Possibly discovering compassion and using forgiveness
- Perhaps engaging in mourning / using rituals
- Re-examine personal space
- Rebuild trust
If you wish to understand yourself more, as counsellor and client we can look at many different facets of limiting ways of being, find the positive in them. We might look at:
- The way that you think
- The things that you believe
- The way that you regulate emotions
- The expression of feelings
- Your physiology
Clients are recounting personal recollections of traumatisation in a safe place and they may use, not only words, but also share dreams and nightmares, use metaphors and stories.
What is the outcome?
Everyone is different, and each person may wish to work towards a differnt outcome - one that is right for them.
By talking through these things, and dealing with the associations, we can elicit new ideas and possibilities, which can take over from the old patterns of thought and response.
As a counsellor I don’t give the answers. There is no one single appropriate method for coping with all crises reactions. Each person has their own specific combination of coping modes and resources. Each person finds his or her own answers. And we do this together.
Clients need someone to bear witness to what they have gone through, or are going through. They need to be acknowledged and listened to. They need to express their reactions. They need to revisit some things in a safe environment (the counselling space).
Ultimately, clients acknowledge, and describe their pain, and then move through it. They then plan strategies of self rescue, reach a place of emotional and psychological safety. Feel once again secure and confident, and regain their potency and personal power.
Styles of Counselling
February 20, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
Counselling, these days, is holistic. This means that the person is understood as a whole.
What do Person Centred Counsellors do?
Person Centred Counsellors (of which I am one) believe in awareness of the core conditions, i.e. empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard. And these core conditions underpin the quality of relating between the two people, therapist and client.
What do Transactional Analysts do?
In Transactional Analysis the same things are known, but the language is different. TA therapists (of which I am, also, one) say that everyone has worth and everyuone has the capacity to think - and therefore deserve to be treated accordingly.
People who know a little about TA have probably heard of the saying, “I’m OK, You’re OK” - this is not in the sense of “I’m all right, Jack!” but rather, “I know that I am worthwhile in my own eyes and in yours, and I know that you are worthwhile in my eyes and yours”. (If the client does not yet believe either part of that, therein lies psychotherapeutic growth-potential).
Counsellors across all modalities respond to their clients at different levels
We humans are so complex and we function at a number of levels psychologically. Therapists and counsellors need to listen out for those different levels and respond to those different levels of functioning in both clients, and in themselves.
There is benefit in both the non-diresctive style and in the directive style
Person Centred therapists are known for being non-directive. What is important in this way of therapy is that clients can develop new meaning in their lives by retelling their life stories - by making narratives. Having those experiences emerge and perhaps be expressed at a metaphorical level, not only in the words, but also in the felt meaning that is shared between the two people present, is very valuable.
Valuable, also, is a therapist sometimes being directive, and confronting clients’ beliefs, or defences. Counsellors, therefore, need to make judgements and take choices about which way to respond to clients at any one time. This is related to the levels of functioning, mentioned above. The same therapist will be engaging in an empathetic way, using non-interrupting style sometimes, in response to certain levels of a client, and at other times, in response to other levels, the therapist could be making interventions and taking more risks.
Experimental designs on therapy
February 19, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
The NHS, as we know, are committed to providing health provision free at the point of delivery to all people who need it - but it must also provide a cost-effective health provision.
National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence
.
The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) is responsible for guiding the NHS and it does this by recommending treatments that are cost effective and those that minimise the burden for the client. The guidelines it produces are based upon the current best evidence available.
Improving access to psychological therapies
The government funds an initiative called IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies). This program is not only about improving access to therapies, but also it is about improving the quality of therapy (as well as ensuring that they meet the NICE guidelines).
The processes for finding evidence that a particular kind of therapy has a high quality is slow as it requires a lot of research over a number of years.
Cognitive Behavioural therapists have always used evidence-based research
Cognitive Behavioural therapists have always used evidence-based research as part of their therapy model, and so there are already many years worth of empirical data to support the effectiveness of CBT (and this is widely promoted by people who use CBT with clients - including me!).
CBT has always been research-based
The therapists that work in other models of therapy (including me, again) now know that they have to provide evidence of effectiveness of their models of therapy, too (otherwise, people can say that CBT is the only therapy that can be evidenced to be effective - and some therapists actually imply that means that the other types of therapy are not effective! Tut, tut, very naughty!)
So, for other models of therapy to be able to prove that they meet the NICE guidelines evidence needs to be provided. And to get the evidence, research has to be done. And research takes a long time.
Further Research
Some of the areas that I would like to see be researched are the presuppositions:
- ‘It is the therapeutic relationship that heals, not the particular model of therapy’
- ‘All therapies have an equal effect’
- ‘Outcomes largely depend on the therapist’
Berne Institute to fund University research on TA
The Berne Institute, in Kegworth at junction 24 of the M1, is a training centre for psychotherapy. They are funding a research study on Transactional Analysis therapy to be carried out in the University of Nottingham.
Professor Patrick Callaghan, is experienced in examining various approaches to psychotherapy and counselling. His research into TA therapy will include questions such as
- What makes TA work?
- With what client groups?
- What systematic evidence is there on which to judge TA’s effectiveness?
Research is now all part of it
.
The people who make up the bodies that influence governments and make decisions about public policy believe that empirical data proves that therapies are effective. Hence research now has to become part of the whole system of the therapy model (research, training, practicing, clinical supervision) if a model of psychotherapy is to survive. This is good, though, in terms of clients having confidence that the particular model of therapy is proven to work.
IAPT can have long waiting lists
The IAPT initiative has promted a new wave of thought regarding evidence-based decisions about what is effective. When NHS patients are given the choice they commonly prefer psychological therapy over medication. Due to long NHS waiting lists, many people are not benefiting because they are not getting referred or because they have ‘patched over’ the problem by the time their therapy sessions become available.
Private Practitioners can see clients immediately
A lot of people look for a therapist in private practice, where they can be seen immediately. Sometimes, as a therapist in private practice, I see clients who are on NHS waiting lists, and they tell me that they want therapy or counselling just for while they are waiting to be seen. I am happy to do that, if it is made clear from the start of our time together. Sometimes I see clients who have had their allocated amount of sessions via NHS or IAPT, and that has started them on a journey to a better life, and then they wish to continue, and pay for that themselves. That is very encouraging, and I am happy to see clients in those situations, also.
How to be happy
February 18, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
The law of abundance
The law of abundance says that there is everything a-plenty.
Take a moment to ingest that.
There is everything in abundance.
It’s quite a stretch, isn’t it?
There is plenty of happiness available to you. Plenty of love. Plenty of kindness. Plenty of support.
Hmmm.
Do you believe that?
What does not believing that do to you?
How does believing that there is not plenty of happiness for you, or there is not enough love or support out there that you can get?
Does it stop you from trying to get happiness?
Acceptance is one thing.
Apathy is another.
N.B the law of abundance is not the same as ‘The Law of Attraction’ see this review about a book called, ‘The Secret’ that describes the law of attraction
What if…
- What if there was no real shortage?
- What if you can have virtually all that you really want and need?
- What if we live in a generous universe surrounded by blessings and opportunities to acquire all that we truly desire?
What if people become happy because they desire to become happy?
What if people become happy because they believe that they have the ability to become happy?
What if they act in a way that is congruent to those beliefs?
What if they consistently take the necessary actions that turn their beliefs into realities?
- What if they get to grips with all the things in life that have made them unhappy.
- What if they deal with those things (either current situations, or bad memories).
- What if they find a way to move on appropriately, and live happily today?
Be happy today
Moving on is not about denial, or discounting the significance of events, thoughts, feelings, and situations.
It is about processing those things, i.e.
- Acknowledging,
- Understanding the impact,
- Coming to terms with them,
- Accepting the past,
- Working through guilt, regret, remorse, grief, if necessary,
- Moving on to deal with the present.
- And then finally making an impact on your own future.
Review your reasons
- Why aren’t you happy already?
This is an important decision to ask yourself.
Answering this question can reveal your blocks to happiness, and that’s great! It gives you the material to work with.
Exercise
This exercise in two parts.
- Questions
- Solutions
While working through this exercise,
- Allow yourself to answer the question over and over again, without giving the same answer twice.
- Answer the questions very quickly, do not deliberate or agonise over what you are going to say.
- Write your answers down, we will review what you have written, later in the exercise.
Why is it the same question? It isn’t! Your mind can hear the question differently every time, and / or generate different answers every time.
By the time that you get over 5 or so answers to the questions below, you start getting beyond excuses and justifications and moving into underlying beliefs that are holding you back from being happy.
-
Questions:
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
Why am I not happy already?
Because ………………………………………………………………
………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………..
The world is full of thousands and thousands of people who have far more difficulties and limitations than you will ever have, and they have gone on to be happy anyway.
So can you.
-
Solutions:
Now, look over your answers
Determine which of those are
- Justifications and excuses
- Limiting beliefs
Consider what you can do
- To confront your justifications
- Address your excuses
- Test out assumptions in your limiting beliefs.
Most people find this quite a challenge to do on their own. If you would like a practitioner to help you with this, please get in touch.
Do you think Rich or Poor?
February 18, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 2 Comments
Why do some people end up rich, and some people end up poor?
Millions of men and women have started off with nothing and become financially independent.
- How did it happen?
- What are the common principles of becoming wealthy?
In this article we are going to discuss what wealthy people do and do not do.
You can apply these things to yourself.
You become what you think about most of the time
The things that you think about define your reality. If you dwell on something, the belief that ‘that’s how it is’ grows.
Wealthy, successful people fill their minds and thoughts with images, words and pictures of wealth, affluence, success, productivity. These thoughts trigger the reticular activating cortex in the brain - the part that makes you alert and sensitive to the things that are important to you.
So, you will start to notice that which you focus on. For instance, if you want a yellow car, and you think about that a lot, you will notice yellow cars.
Your brain is sensitised to pick out those things and draw them to your attention with greater frequency and vividness.
People who are not well off fill their minds with scarcity, lack, poverty, being unable to afford things. They talk about how little they have and can have.
Think like wealthy people think
People who are now wealthy, were thinking from an early age,
- How much they already have (rather than what they don’t have).
- How much they want
- What they can do to earn the money to get the things that they want.
You can think and talk only about the financial success that you have and desire. (Refuse to dwell on of lack of finances. If you must think about them, do it, and then think about what you are going to do to change things).
When you do notice yourself thinking, “I cant afford it” change that dialogue to “how can I afford it?”.
Your finances and your time perspective are linked
February 18, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Time perspective means whether you think a long way into the future or a short way into the future. It is also, the amount of time that you take into consideration when planning your day-to-day activities and when making important decisions in your life.
A study was done during the 50’s and 60’s at Harvard University, to find out the reasons for upward social mobility. The researchers were looking for factors that would predict whether or not an individual was going to move upward and be wealthier.
People with long time-perspectives move up economically.
- When you spend weeks, months, years developing your skills and abilities in order to be successful, you have a long time-perspective.
- When you take longer to make decisions, delay gratification, and do not act on impulse then you have a long time-perspective.
- In the extreme, a person with a long time-perspective is thinking and planning 20 or 25 years ahead (which is more than most people).
People with short time-perspectives do not move up over time.
- They don’t have the ability to delay gratification.
- They respond to the impulse to satisfy their desire for fun or pleasure in the short term.
- In the extreme they do not even think about tomorrow - they could have a irresistible urge to spend every penny that they earn, or can borrow, almost immediately.
Elongate your approach to time
When you develop a long time-perspective you develop the ability to delay gratification. You can save some of your money instead of spending it all. You can consider investments. You can resist impulse purchases.
The combination of a long time-perspective and an ability to delay gratification gives you an advantage regarding becoming financially independent.
Exercise:
How do you want your finances to be in 5 years time?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
How do you want your finances to be in 10 years time?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
How do you want your finances to be in 15 years time?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
How do you want your finances to be in 20 years time?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
What is one thing that needs to happen for this to become a reality?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
What can you do to take you into doing that one thing that you need to do to make it a reality?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
What is one thing that you can do this week that will move you towards the thing that needs to happen for your financial desires to be realised?
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………
Your beliefs about money determine your wealth
February 18, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
Good or Bad?
Your attitude towards money affects your emotions and your motivations. Therefore, what you believe about money, and the way that you think about money, will determine how much of it you accumulate.
For some people money is coded as a deficiency need, i.e. it is something that motivates you when you don’t have enough. Then when you have enough, you don’t think about it as much and it is no longer a motivator.
The effect money has on your emotions depends on your attitude to it.
If you are concerned that you have too little, you can become over-focused on the sence of scarity and this can dominate your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Arguments over money put a strain on marriages and relationships, can ruin friendships and excessive worry over money can cause psychosomatic illnesses.
Deep-seated beliefs can be obstacles to accumulating wealth.
What are your beliefs about money?
Do you believe that money is …
- Wrong
- Dirty
- Shameful
- Disgusting
- Scary
- Cursed
- Sinful
- Evil
Have you ever believed that money…
- Ruins relationships
- Changes people
- Causes more problems than it solves
- Breeds resentment
- Is a tool to hurt others
- Makes people leave you
- Makes you unlovable
- Turns people nasty
If you answered ‘yes to any of the options above, ask yourself whether it is the money, or the way that people used money that caused you to conclude those things.
Beliefs are not all based on factual information. They are a distorted conclusion made in a very primitive way, either in childhood, or by being convinced by what others say or what cultures instil, or by drawing conclusions without analysis.
We can often test out beliefs, once we are aware of which beliefs we hold. Ask yourself whether what you are believing is true. Ask yourself to provide evidence for that to support its truth. Say it out loud. Ask other people’s opinion about whether they also think it is true (people who are different to you). After different perspectives ask yourself again whether it is true.
Be willing to hold a new reality
What if money is good?
What if money is used to buy homes and food, cars, education, entertainment, and toys and fun things. What if that is good?
What if money is neither good, nor bad
What if it is to do with the people who use the money - whether they use it in productive ways to produce valuable goods and services, create opportunities for others.
What if there were no money?
- Would all the badness related to money go away?
- Would people still fight over wealth? Still use objects and services to have power over others?
Is it money itself that is bad, or how you decide to use it?
Responsibility
Unless you are not in a capitalist system, you have a duty to acquire money. A duty to yourself and your family, to use it keep yourselves healthy and happy. To meet your survival needs, and then after that, a nice quality of life.
If you want a lot of money, fine. If you want sufficient money, fine. You decide the life that you want. And then work out much money you need to give yourself that life.
Pretending that you don’t care about money when you really do, will make you unhappy.
Spending time and effort into gaining more money than you need to provide the life that you want, is a waste.
If you really want more money, you are going to have to do what it takes to get the money - it will not just come to you, as if by magic (no matter how much you believe that you are going to get it).
However, if you improve your attitude to money and change your beliefs about the availability of it, or your ownership of it, then money will become much less of an issue in your life. The issue will, in fact, become more about the activities that you engage in to gain the money, as well as the quality of your life that the money funds.
Sign Up to Vauna's Newsletter
Loading...