Types of Problems
May 17, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
I have started to compile a list of common things that people present in their therapy and coaching sessions. I’ll add more to this list as I think of further things.
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What types of things can be addressed and resolved at Nottingham Therapy?
If you would like to read a little more about issues within those categories, click on the topics (currently just a few are click-able, and they are shown written in green, but more wil be written and hyperlinked over time).
see also
- Reasons to have therapy (word map)
- Which Therapy?
Anxieties
- General anxiety (GAD)
- Obsessions or Compulsions
- Anxieties about health, wellbeing or safety
- Post trauma
- Discomfort in social situations (or ruminations afterwards) - or Social phobia
- Panic attacks
- Specific phobia (e.g. fear of cats)
- Fear of flying
- Fear of public speaking
Symptoms
- Blushing or sweating
- Sleep problems
- Shaking or Palpitations
- Headaches
- Feeling dizzy, or ‘charged up’
- Mind constantly whirring, or constant chatter in head
- Weeping / tearfulness
- Lethargy/ fatigue
- Aches and Pains
- Gastro Intestinal disturbances, digestive problems
Depressions
- General
- Recurring
- Situational
- Life-stage
- Mood swings, or feeling up and down
- Background feeling of fed up or down
- Feeling numb, or ‘flat’
Behaviour
- Lack of motivation
- Bad or stuck habits
- Addictions (or being over-focussed on something)
- Doing risky or reckless things
- Having affairs or flirting inappropriately or compulsively
- Acting out anger
- Overeating
- Undereating
- Teeth Grinding or lip chomping or suckling
- Picking, scratching, or biting oneself (e.g. fingers)
Feelings
- Feeling lost, hurt, or betrayed
- Guilt
- Shame
- Anger
- Bereavement
- Frustration
- Deep sadness
- Feeling frightened, or scared
Relationships
- Infidelity
- Jealousy
- Abuse
- Miscommunication
- Lost spark
- Hostility
- Disrespectfulness
- Parenting issues
- Family problems
- Power dynamics
- Living arrangements
Self
- Understanding myself
- Being Defended
- Aggression
- Passivity or submissiveness
- Finding direction
Work
- Bullying
- Harassment
- Change management
- Stress
- Working relationships
- Understanding organisations
- Understanding others
- Good work ethic
- Time management
- Creating a compelling future
- Goal setting and achieving
Rose-Tinted Specs
May 16, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Sometimes we all get a little illusionary in relationships.
In fact, in adolescence, its an absolute must-do. Not only because of the social norms, but also because it is a natural and healthy developmental phase to go through, usually throughout the teenage years.
If it happens when you are 35, 45, 0r 55, even, then clearly you aren’t passing through a phase of development, but rather have regressed back, for some reason or another.
Four examples of illusions in clients relationships
When Mr K ’rediscovered’ the thrill of joining up with the football fans and going to all the away games and getting drunk for the whole day (something he had not done for 18 years) he knew that it was related to the fact that his wife wanted a divorce (yet she would not go until the last of their children left home in 3 years time). Mr K was reasonably ok with what he was doing, considering it an ‘escape’ and harmless energy release (but discounting the sometimes dangerous atmosphere).
During couples therapy, Mrs J told me how she ’cheered up’ when she put on her Boyzone DVD’s every evening, while her husband was in their attic study on the Internet until midnight. Although, she said that she would much rather he come down and be with her. Yet when he did, they both felt uncomfortable and did not make any conversation.
D said that he just needed to sort out his depression. There was nothing wrong with his life, nothing wrong with his relationship, and certainly nothing wrong with his partner. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They were best friends, perfect lovers, and true soul-mates. She was the perfect body shape, the perfect temperament for him, and was loved by ‘everyone’. All he wanted from therapy was to concentrate on getting his mood back up and ‘getting going’ again.
H wanted to cope with not seeing her partner very often. All the problems were due to his work, and the demands placed on him. H was super-reasonable about the circumstances of their living arrangement (i.e. he was just at home two days per week). She complained of her super-sensitivity, and disliked what she called ‘being weak’. Everything would be all right in her life and in her relationship if her partners workplace did not put so many obstacles in their way (i.e. it is the organisation that is the problem, not the relationship).
What do all of these stories have in common?
Positive Relationship Illusions.
There two types of illusions that I am referring to are
- I. Idolisation
- II. Idealisation
Idolisation
In the first one, Idolisation, we uncritically ‘love’ a figure or group from the world of music, entertainment or sport. Celebrities receive wide exposure in the mass media and are available to us via TV, events and concerts, films, etc.
Idolisation is based on two components
- Worship
- Modelling
Worshipping is about intense admiration and involves behaviours such as repeatedly viewing or listening to them, collecting memorabilia, going to events.
Modelling refers to the desire to be like the idol, and involves attempts at trying to be like them, or taking on their values and beliefs.
The purpose of idolising is to shield us from hurt and fears (for example, isolation or lonliness). We withdraw from ‘real’ relationship and seek to love and be loved by a completely dependable, constantly available object.
We create the idol and it provides both satisfaction and a sense of security.
Being a ‘fan’ offers a way to sublimate romantic and sexual yearnings.
Media stars are the obvious choice of idol because they are a ‘legitimate’ choice (its socially acceptable to be a fan) and because they media stars are always inaccessible (i.e. it is unlikely that a real romantic relationship will evolve and thereby spoil the fantasy of having a reciprocal relationship).
Idolisation is usually done with awareness.
Idealisation
The process of idealisation, however, is usually not done in awareness. It is a subconscious process. Idealised qualities are projected onto the person or situation and even when we are confronted with faults or weaknesses we deny them. We are projecting what we most desire, and we are believing it is real.
Idealisation illusions can include:
- Illusions of self-positivity
- Optimism about the future
- Exaggerated perceptions of control
The purpose that idealising serves is to keep up our self-esteem in the face of threats. So, for example, we could believe someone (or our relationship with them) was perfect, i.e. avoid acknowledging flaws, and this would assist us in side-stepping the pain of disappointment. Or, in another example, we could be idealising a person or situation to avoiding becoming aware of disapproval from them, and denying the discomfort and unease.
They don’t call them defences for nothing
Everyone is doing the best that they know how at any one time.
We sort things out when we are ready to.
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If a situation or a stage of life is perceived as unsolvable, if a person has to live with anxiety or stress for a fair amount of time, then it is understandable that defences will be used.
They can be quite handy at times.
Defences can enable us to: carry on, keep functioning, see things out.
Using processes of idolisation and idealisation is normal in small degrees. For peace of mind and a relaxed psyche, though, we need to work through defences, and gradually take them down.
Solutions
A possible therapeutic direction for using idealisation would be about acknowledging flaws and weaknesses gradually, at a pace that is the same as your ability to deal with them.
For idolisation, look at what you are doing, and see the good in it. Use the idol as a model and, along with your therapist, integrate aspects of that person as appropriate.
Additionally, spin the projection around. Discover what the idol ‘gives back’ to you in your ‘relationship’ with them, or acknowledge what it is that you so selflessly give to them, and find an appropriate way to give that to yourself (or find a way to get it for yourself).
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