Denial…10 types
March 22, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais
“Denial aint just a river in Egypt” Oprah Winfrey.
Why do we do it?
We lie to ourselves to avoid pain.
Denial is a normal and natural response for coping with painful and overwhelming problems. We use sets of thoughts, feelings, urges, actions and social reactions to defend against the pain of recognising the presence of painful realities.
Once we begin to lie to ourselves (use denial mechanisms) we feel a lot more comfortable (we can cope, or we can live with ourselves).
Then, since nothing terrible has happened as a result of lying to ourselves, we kid ourselves that this is now the truth. This progresses to lying to others (shielding the truth from others). The actual truth gets further and further from our conscious awareness.
Advantages of denial
As well of the benefits of
- not having to take responsibility,
- not having to face a seemingly unsolveable problem,
- not having to deal with a serious self-defect,
there are also disadvantages with using denial.
The biggest disadvantage is that denial eventually blocks recognition of the problem or flaw. Denial creates the illusion that the problem is being solved (or does not need to be solved, or doesn’t exist).
The disadvantage is that problems do not get solved
Therefore the problem does not get solved, or the flaw in our behaviour, thought patterns or responses does not get addressed. This leads to a continuation in the processes that maintain the problem.
It is often only once the problem has escalated out of all proportion that the denail cracks open. OR if we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, and engage in personal development or therapy activities, then we can gently break open the shell and take a look inside, and come to terms with, and ultimately deal with, reality.
10 Types of denial
- Avoidance.
- I don’t think about it. I don’t talk about it. If I begin to hear the little faint voice in my head warning me of the truth, I drown it out (with noise, with alcohol, with sex, with shopping, with TV, with anything that distracts me and prevents me from hearing the truth)
- When I dont think about it I feel OK. “All is calm, happy, and well, in my world”, I say. “I do not pry into areas that I don’t understand. Its not good for you to think too much”, I say. I change the subject. I get involved in something else and put that out of my mind.
- Asolutely Not!
- I get offended when it is suggested that I may have a problem, a flaw, or a shortcoming. I puff myself up and say, “Not me! I don’t have a problem. No absolutely not!”.
- When I puff up and say those things to myself or others, and they have been overuled, I feel really good and superior. “I have beat them off. I headed them off from the truth (or headed myself off from the truth) and I feel great (momentarily)”. Then comes the relief that I managed it. And a small part of me feels dissapointed. That part of me wants others to know what is hapening, and wants help. But that part is so very small, weak and scared.
- Minimising.
- “It’s not that bad”. Sometimes I cannot convince myself of total denial, so I minimise the problem. “Yes, it was a bit of a problem the other day, or last week / month, but not as bad as people think”.
- I reduce the effort that it would take to resolve it, “I know this is a problem, but it won’t take much to sort it out”.
- I kid myself about how resolving it is not important or urgent (because the problem really isnt that big a deal). So I say, “I’ll sort this out next week / month” Or, “I’ll address it if such and such happens, or once I get more money / time”. “It doesn’t matter that much now”.
- Rationalising.
- I need to ’understand’ the cause. I believe that if I can find an explanation for why I am like this, or discover a ‘reason’ for what is ‘really’ at the root of it all, then I can explain it away and I won’t have to sort it out.
- If it is down to my childhood, or due to the stresses I am under, or the way my personality works, then I (kid myself that I) can live with it.
- Blaming.
- If I can say that it’s not my fault, then I don’t have to be responsible for sorting it out.
- After all, “If you had a boss, wife, kids, job, life, mother, like this, then you would be like this as well!”, you reason.
- Using blaming as an excuse for not taking responsibility, “I can’t change while ever that person / situation is like that, because it is what is to blame for my problem / behaviour / thought patterns / responses”, you believe.
- Comparing.
- I find others who have more serious problems than me and I compare myself to them. Examples:
- Seeing someone have an angry, rageful, display and then believing, “someone with anger problems is a raging lunatic, I never get like that. So I don’t need anger management”
- Watching couples argue, and believing, “Even if we are upset with each other, hurt and angry, and sad, guilty or ashamed, at least we don’t humiliate each other in public like that. So we can carry on without addressing our relationship issues”.
- Learning about people with agoraphobia, who have not gone out of the house for years, “I always make myself go out, so my anxiety isn’t as bad as that. I don’t need to sort it out”.
- Knowing about someone who has really messed up their life by doing behaviours that got them into trouble or caused them to lose everything, “Well, my self-sabotage is only minor compared to that, therefore I don’t have a problem”.
- Manipulating.
- If I am boxed into a corner I try to use the people who are trying to help me. “I’ll let them help me, but only if they will do it for me. I want a quick and effortless fix”.
- If they can’t fix me, I blame them for the failure, and use them as an excuse to behave badly, or in a way that hurts myself or others. If people consequently try to step in to help, I make them feel guilty.
- The bottom line of manipulating is that we do not want to take responsibility and we do not want to address change. Using manipulation is a way of showing that no one can make us do anything that we do not want to do - if they try they will end up feeling bad (”that will teach them!”, we think).
- Flight into health.
- “I feel better so I am cured”.
- We have a moment or a day, or couple of weeks of respite from the manefestation of the problem. It feels great. We kid ourselves that there is no longer a problem.
- Because we feel great we believe that now we don’t need to do anything more. Its all gone and we act as if there is no problem. “I’ve put it all behind me”, I say.
- If this happens, it will happen fairly early on in therapy. Usually within the first few weeks. If you are genuinely free of a problem, it will feel very different. ‘Flight into health’ is usually characterised by feelings of elation, or a ‘high’.
- Change by fear.
- Once we beging to realise how our thought / feeling / behaviour patterns could destroy our life, or hurt those that we love, we convince ourselves that we can’t ever be like that again. We believe that scaring ourselves will push us into spontaneously being different. “If I stop, everything will be OK”, I believe.
- Once we convince ourselves that everyhting will be absolutely OK as soon as we stop thinking, feeling, or behaving in the way that is contribuing to the problem, then we believe that we don’t need to address it. “I can just stop doing it, and then I stay in denial”.
- Becoming Hopeless.
- We don’t believe we can change and we don’t want to try anymore. “I’ve done everything and nothing works”, I moan. It’s easier to just give up. We start to feel hopeless.
- The sense of hoplessness is actually a denial of our own power to change. It is a handy ‘cover’. If people try to help we act even more hopeless - we convey to them that we are, in fact, helpless. We even believe that we do not know why people want to help - “why are they wasting their time?” I say.
- We kid ourselves that hoplessness is depression. It isn’t.
“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” J. Donald Waters
Addressing things
In order to live a stable and meaningful life, with room for joy, love and peace, we need to address and resolve any problems that get in the way of us having that.
While we are in denial we ar not doing that.
It takes courage and sometimes it takes time to address and resolve things.
Start today.
Dare to be honest with yourself, for a moment.
- what problems do you have in your life / work / relationships?
- which aspects of yourself are contributing to problems?
- what are your weaknesess / flaws or limitations?
- how long have you been putting off addressing some of those things?
Just knowing may be enough for now.
Don’t keep yourself in the dark any longer. You are putting yourself at risk of problems getting worse, or secondary problems developing as a result of not addressing primary problems.
Change is possible. It can be done very subtly. Problems can be solved or effectively managed. you can significantly reduce pain or dysfunction.
The decision about what to do is yours.
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