Psychotherapy word map
April 21, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
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Denial…10 types
March 22, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
“Denial aint just a river in Egypt” Oprah Winfrey.
Why do we do it?
We lie to ourselves to avoid pain.
Denial is a normal and natural response for coping with painful and overwhelming problems. We use sets of thoughts, feelings, urges, actions and social reactions to defend against the pain of recognising the presence of painful realities.
Once we begin to lie to ourselves (use denial mechanisms) we feel a lot more comfortable (we can cope, or we can live with ourselves).
Then, since nothing terrible has happened as a result of lying to ourselves, we kid ourselves that this is now the truth. This progresses to lying to others (shielding the truth from others). The actual truth gets further and further from our conscious awareness.
Advantages of denial
As well of the benefits of
- not having to take responsibility,
- not having to face a seemingly unsolveable problem,
- not having to deal with a serious self-defect,
there are also disadvantages with using denial.
The biggest disadvantage is that denial eventually blocks recognition of the problem or flaw. Denial creates the illusion that the problem is being solved (or does not need to be solved, or doesn’t exist).
The disadvantage is that problems do not get solved
Therefore the problem does not get solved, or the flaw in our behaviour, thought patterns or responses does not get addressed. This leads to a continuation in the processes that maintain the problem.
It is often only once the problem has escalated out of all proportion that the denail cracks open. OR if we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, and engage in personal development or therapy activities, then we can gently break open the shell and take a look inside, and come to terms with, and ultimately deal with, reality.
10 Types of denial
- Avoidance.
- I don’t think about it. I don’t talk about it. If I begin to hear the little faint voice in my head warning me of the truth, I drown it out (with noise, with alcohol, with sex, with shopping, with TV, with anything that distracts me and prevents me from hearing the truth)
- When I dont think about it I feel OK. “All is calm, happy, and well, in my world”, I say. “I do not pry into areas that I don’t understand. Its not good for you to think too much”, I say. I change the subject. I get involved in something else and put that out of my mind.
- Asolutely Not!
- I get offended when it is suggested that I may have a problem, a flaw, or a shortcoming. I puff myself up and say, “Not me! I don’t have a problem. No absolutely not!”.
- When I puff up and say those things to myself or others, and they have been overuled, I feel really good and superior. “I have beat them off. I headed them off from the truth (or headed myself off from the truth) and I feel great (momentarily)”. Then comes the relief that I managed it. And a small part of me feels dissapointed. That part of me wants others to know what is hapening, and wants help. But that part is so very small, weak and scared.
- Minimising.
- “It’s not that bad”. Sometimes I cannot convince myself of total denial, so I minimise the problem. “Yes, it was a bit of a problem the other day, or last week / month, but not as bad as people think”.
- I reduce the effort that it would take to resolve it, “I know this is a problem, but it won’t take much to sort it out”.
- I kid myself about how resolving it is not important or urgent (because the problem really isnt that big a deal). So I say, “I’ll sort this out next week / month” Or, “I’ll address it if such and such happens, or once I get more money / time”. “It doesn’t matter that much now”.
- Rationalising.
- I need to ’understand’ the cause. I believe that if I can find an explanation for why I am like this, or discover a ‘reason’ for what is ‘really’ at the root of it all, then I can explain it away and I won’t have to sort it out.
- If it is down to my childhood, or due to the stresses I am under, or the way my personality works, then I (kid myself that I) can live with it.
- Blaming.
- If I can say that it’s not my fault, then I don’t have to be responsible for sorting it out.
- After all, “If you had a boss, wife, kids, job, life, mother, like this, then you would be like this as well!”, you reason.
- Using blaming as an excuse for not taking responsibility, “I can’t change while ever that person / situation is like that, because it is what is to blame for my problem / behaviour / thought patterns / responses”, you believe.
- Comparing.
- I find others who have more serious problems than me and I compare myself to them. Examples:
- Seeing someone have an angry, rageful, display and then believing, “someone with anger problems is a raging lunatic, I never get like that. So I don’t need anger management”
- Watching couples argue, and believing, “Even if we are upset with each other, hurt and angry, and sad, guilty or ashamed, at least we don’t humiliate each other in public like that. So we can carry on without addressing our relationship issues”.
- Learning about people with agoraphobia, who have not gone out of the house for years, “I always make myself go out, so my anxiety isn’t as bad as that. I don’t need to sort it out”.
- Knowing about someone who has really messed up their life by doing behaviours that got them into trouble or caused them to lose everything, “Well, my self-sabotage is only minor compared to that, therefore I don’t have a problem”.
- Manipulating.
- If I am boxed into a corner I try to use the people who are trying to help me. “I’ll let them help me, but only if they will do it for me. I want a quick and effortless fix”.
- If they can’t fix me, I blame them for the failure, and use them as an excuse to behave badly, or in a way that hurts myself or others. If people consequently try to step in to help, I make them feel guilty.
- The bottom line of manipulating is that we do not want to take responsibility and we do not want to address change. Using manipulation is a way of showing that no one can make us do anything that we do not want to do - if they try they will end up feeling bad (”that will teach them!”, we think).
- Flight into health.
- “I feel better so I am cured”.
- We have a moment or a day, or couple of weeks of respite from the manefestation of the problem. It feels great. We kid ourselves that there is no longer a problem.
- Because we feel great we believe that now we don’t need to do anything more. Its all gone and we act as if there is no problem. “I’ve put it all behind me”, I say.
- If this happens, it will happen fairly early on in therapy. Usually within the first few weeks. If you are genuinely free of a problem, it will feel very different. ‘Flight into health’ is usually characterised by feelings of elation, or a ‘high’.
- Change by fear.
- Once we beging to realise how our thought / feeling / behaviour patterns could destroy our life, or hurt those that we love, we convince ourselves that we can’t ever be like that again. We believe that scaring ourselves will push us into spontaneously being different. “If I stop, everything will be OK”, I believe.
- Once we convince ourselves that everyhting will be absolutely OK as soon as we stop thinking, feeling, or behaving in the way that is contribuing to the problem, then we believe that we don’t need to address it. “I can just stop doing it, and then I stay in denial”.
- Becoming Hopeless.
- We don’t believe we can change and we don’t want to try anymore. “I’ve done everything and nothing works”, I moan. It’s easier to just give up. We start to feel hopeless.
- The sense of hoplessness is actually a denial of our own power to change. It is a handy ‘cover’. If people try to help we act even more hopeless - we convey to them that we are, in fact, helpless. We even believe that we do not know why people want to help - “why are they wasting their time?” I say.
- We kid ourselves that hoplessness is depression. It isn’t.
“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” J. Donald Waters
Addressing things
In order to live a stable and meaningful life, with room for joy, love and peace, we need to address and resolve any problems that get in the way of us having that.
While we are in denial we ar not doing that.
It takes courage and sometimes it takes time to address and resolve things.
Start today.
Dare to be honest with yourself, for a moment.
- what problems do you have in your life / work / relationships?
- which aspects of yourself are contributing to problems?
- what are your weaknesess / flaws or limitations?
- how long have you been putting off addressing some of those things?
Just knowing may be enough for now.
Don’t keep yourself in the dark any longer. You are putting yourself at risk of problems getting worse, or secondary problems developing as a result of not addressing primary problems.
Change is possible. It can be done very subtly. Problems can be solved or effectively managed. you can significantly reduce pain or dysfunction.
The decision about what to do is yours.
I walk down the road…
March 7, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
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Many clients ask me, “Why does psychotherapy take a long time?”
I’d like to illustrate the answer to that with a short story called ‘The autobiography’
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I do not see the hole. I fall in the hole. It is very deep, and at the bottom where I lay broken, it is dark and cold. I can’t get out.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. Its familiar and quite cosy. I can’t get out.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. I want to get out.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I dread falling down the hole. I fall down the hole. And I look up and decide to get out.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I think, “oh, ha ha, no, no, I’m not falling for that again!”. I fall down the hole. I start climbing out.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I try not to, but I fall in the hole again. I get back out straight away.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. My foot slides and I fall in the hole again, but I do not hit the bottom. I cling on to the side and get out of the hole.
I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I step over the hole. I do not fall into the hole.
I walk down a different road.
See also
Psychotherapy
Counselling
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3 ways for anyone to attain life-energy
March 2, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
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How can we have energy and feel motivated about our very existence?
I have identified three ways that, if addressed, go a long way toward bringing about a sense of loving life. This is possible for any of us.
Firstly, our life has to have meaning. We can have a sense of meaning in different degrees. Three levels of meaning and how to get them are talked about below.
Secondly, we need to ensure we are adequately refreshed, in order to deal with life and still feel energised.
Thirdly, the crucial thing, possible for all of us, is that we must transform our past pain into positive energy for living today.
Lets look at the first way of attaining life energy…
Meaning
What are the different ways in which we get a sense of our life having meaning?
A sense of purpose in our lives can come from a variety of different places, and may not be the same combination of places for any of us.
There are three levels of purpose: superficial purpose, underlying purpose, and sustaining purpose.
- Superficial purpose. This gives a sense of meaning that is transitory. We are engaged and entertained, but the sense of meaning does not accumulate over time. Examples are things such as, short projects, casual club associations, and social situations.
- Underlying purpose. There is usually feelings of accomplishment that add up and give us meaning which provides this second level of purpose - having children, for example, or a meaningful career.
- Sustaining purpose comes from a life-long interest that sustains us, and provides hope and powerful life-energy. These are the things that you are committed to, or are very passionate about, for example, a love of gardening, following a sports team or a musicians events through ups and downs, love of learning and growing, devotion to God, commitment to personal development, etc.
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Without a sense of superficial purpose, we may feel bored. Without a sense of underlying purpose we may have a low grade level of agitation or flatness. Without a sense of sustaining purpose we may feel that life has no meaning, and we could feel quietly despairing.
For emotional health we need to feel all three levels of purpose in our lives. Particularly important is a sense of sustaining purpose as it can provide hope in the way that love can provide happiness. Once we are engaged with life in a way that is deeply meaningful, hope develops, and life-energy grows alongside it.
The second way of attaining energy is to refresh…
Refreshment
What activities renew and refresh you so that you are able and willing to return to the responsibilities that we have taken on?
How do you re-charge your batteries?
Different things can be effective for different people.
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If you are an introvert (in the Jungian sense) then you re-stock your energy stores by being alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, spend time with others when they need to generate energy and feel charged-up again.
Some people like to meditate, relax in the bath, or have a massage. Others like to sing, dance or play tennis. For others, still, it’s a cathartic release such as a rock concert, a fast drive, or a ski holiday that does the job.
Burnout doesn’t only happen on the job - it happens to your life. That means to your relationships, your emotions and your physical state. Rejuvenation is essential. Little and often is best.
Now, the third way to ensure that we are tapping into all of our potential life-energy, and not letting any of that negative life-energy sap us, or take up psychological space, is to transform it…
Transformation
Past negative experiences can be transformed into nourishing contributions to ourselves and others today.
- Failure, disappointment, loss, pain, regret, guilt, and even shame.
All of that heavy stuff can be recycled and can become the food to fuel your energy for living today.
In the safety of the therapy room, we do something with it. We acknowledge it, understand it, tolerate it, learn from it, and heal from it. We may sometimes start with small steps, but whatever the size of the steps, we walk towards wellbeing. Motivation builds and life-energy is once again present.
Neuroscience and Psychotherapy: A Relational Experience Measured
February 15, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Neuroscience and psychotherapy
Relational experiences show actual changes in the brain
The brain and the mind are interlinked. There have recently been great advances in our understanding of how the brain and the mind are influenced and affected by each other.
Hence, the knowledge that neuroscience has given us, has informed the way that many therapists now practice, and it has influenced how they think about what goes on in therapy.
The effects of relationship can be monitored in the brain
Using a developmental framework, neuroscience helps us to see the significance of the baby’s early relationships, e.g. that the significance of the infant looking into mothers face, and the mother looking back, and how this relational experience makes changes in the brain.
What goes on in the therapy room is also a very important experiencing of relationship. So, having relational needs met, between therapist and client, affects the brain. We now know that changes in chemistry take place. Previously it was only proven that medications could do this, now it is proven that relational therapy changes brain chemistry. This is very exciting.
The way in which the advances of neuroscience have changed he way that therapist’s work
Good therapists have always known that the therapeutic relationship is a healing medium, set apart from the content of the work done between therapist and client. So, the advances in neuroscience has just ‘proved’ that relationship has a therapeutic effect, and so therapist’s carry on doing, relationally, what they have always known is beneficial.
But, one of the things that therapists didn’t know before is regarding trauma therapy and the brain.
Changes in brain chemistry take place
Neuroscience has now proven that when therapists facilitate clients to tell stories about their past trauma’s (critical incident debriefing, for example) it can incite clients into re-experiencing that trauma - and what happens in the brain as that is happening is that it reinforces and strengthens the neural pathway. The results, then, can be that the client experiences not only, a repeat of the trauma, but actually a deepening of the damaging trauma.
Ever since I was a trainee psychotherapist, and a client with trauma presented, I never felt that I could do critical debriefing ‘right’. We were supposed use a technique to invite clients to go over the traumatic experience, in story form, for the sake of debriefing the experience, with the hope of bringing all elements of it into conscious awareness and thereby eliminate the monstrousness of it (amongst other things).
But when I tried this, I found that clients would become traumatised before my very eyes. And, if I carried on, they would have to leave the session like this and drive home in that state (which I considered to be dangerous).
So, I stopped using that process and focussed on acknowledging the pain, understanding the impact of the events today (not re-living them as they were) using soothing strategies, building on clients strengths, and regaining confidence and high-functioning.
Therapists Processes.
Because the relationship is as important as concepts discussed in therapy, therapists need to continue to use both their left-brain (cognitive) processes and their right-brain (empathic) processes, in work with clients.
This means that therapists offer information to clients, and stimulate their thinking, and at the same time the therapist uses an empathic manner so that the client benefits from the relational experience.
Psychotherapists have always been known about, and been mindful of working with clients as a whole being, where the client’s mind-body-brain make up a system and each impacts on the other. Now, we therapists, have the benefit of the discoveries in the world of neuroscience to help us to support our knowledge with scientific evidence.
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