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Yesterday I took a little thin, unread, book down from my bookshelf and decided to read it. My bookshelves are full of unread books (as well as books that I have read). I find they so much come in handy when I have a weekend with no engagements planned, nothing on the TV, and I am slightly tired, anyway. Its like having a fridge full of brain-food at the ready.

It wasnt just that “MANAGING ONESELF” by Peter F Drucker looked like it could be read in an hour or so, but it was the title that appealed to me also.

“I could do with a bit of self-management”, I thought.  I have recently identified a way in which I would like to be living my life differently, and I need to do things differently (obviously) to bring this about. “So maybe this little book will inspire me”, I thought.

I hadn’t realised that the book was written by a business managment guru.   A bit synchronistic really, since I am currently a delegate on a Leadership and Management training course, as you know. (I had expected it to be one of those simple little self-help booklets that you get free when you give your email address on a good website).

So flicking through the internet I found that Drucker taught generations of managers the importance of picking the best people, of focusing on opportunities and not problems. In those days that was ‘out -there’.

Apparently, Warren Bennis, a management guru himself , asked Drucker how he came up with so many original insights. The reply was, “I learn only through listening,” he said, pausing, “to myself.” (I’m also a big advocate of intuition, and trusting in myself, so I liked that).

Because Ducker was born into a highly educated professional family, in Austria in 1909 (which was a time of a cultural and economic hub)  his family mingled with people such as Sigmund Freud.  Perhaps Druckers worldliness and style of expression is as a result of him first having met Freud at the age of eight years old, and the fact that his parents would entertain Freud, and other members of the Vienese intellectual elite, regularly in their home.

In fact, for me, the comparison with Freud could be stretched further when I read that Drucker’s most famous text, The Practice of Management, published in 1954, “…laid out the American corporation like a well-dissected frog in a college laboratory”. (Freud began by dissecting frogs in his shed at home!).

Anyway. Back to my little book. In this book, ‘Managing Oneself’, Drucker talks about managment in terms of ‘enhancing performance’. “Well, that’ll do”, I thought, “If I need to do things differently, then I can enhance my performance and see if my life is different”.

So, I’m going to share with you the bones of the book, and how I have interpreted the bits that are relevant for me - and hopefully, you too. (If you really want to, you can read the whole book in this PDF file ).

Drucker says that a person can perform only from strength. And that most people think that they know what they are good at, but they are usually wrong.

“One cannot build performance on weakness”, he asserts, “let alone on something that one cannot do at all.”

I’m not sure that I totally agree with that. And I am not convinced that I am ready to say it is not true, either. I have an open mind about those statements. With anything like that, its a case of asking myself, “How useful is it to operate as if this were true?” (See the NLP Presuppostions for more like that).

So, lets assume that this is true, because believing this will be useful. “A person can only perform from strength”.

Drucker also states that, “We need to know our strengths in order to know where we belong”.

 Again, according to our man, Drucker, the only way to discover your strengths is through feedback analysis.

So, lets go now, on to discovering our strengths. This is the process that he reccomends us to use:

Take a key decision (or a key action)

My decision is ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 Write down what you expect will happen:

What I expect to happen is………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

9 or 12 months later, compare the actual results with your expectations.

Instruction: Go to your outlook calendar, or your mobile phone, PDF, or whatever, and pop a reminder alarm in for you to review your expectations with actual outcomes.

I have now done this to remind me on…………………………………………………………………….. (date)

A very simple exercise isn’t it? Not very satisfactory now, I grant you, because you wanted results straight away, didn’t you? Sorry.

This method, long as it is, does have merits. You are using proper measurement. A quote from Drucker, “What is measured improves”

You are taking the guesswork out of knowing where you need to improve. If you do this across the board (i.e. with everything that you want to do / change/ become) you can see what it is that you are doing that is at the root of your failures (remember the presupposition there is no failure only feedback?) You are seeing where you are not particularly competent. You are also seeing what are your strengths (ah at last!).

Drucker is known for believing that taking action without thinking is the cause of every failure. (Sounds reasonable to me, if you have an outcome in mind, and want to control the results, at least. There is also a case for not trying to predict, and just benefit from unpredictability, but that still doesn’t mean that you act without thinking).

So, now that you have the results of your feedback analysis:

1. put yourself where your strengths can produce results.
2. put your energies on working on improving your strengths
   • improve skills or aquire new ones
   • gain knowledge (in areas other than your expertise)
3. remedy your bad habits (the things that you do or fail to do that inhibit your effectiveness and performance). 

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Drucker states that what we should NOT do is spend (waste?) a lot of time on improving areas of low competence. 

Instead of using energy to improve from incompetence to mediocrity, use time and energy to improve from good or first rate, to excellence. Turn yourself, then, from a competent person into a star performer.

Additionally, Drucker states in this little book, that we should

• work out how we perform,
• know what are our personal values
• be aware of personal your ethics system
• find out where we should belong
• understand what we should contribute
• take responsibility for relationships

Knowing all of this enables you to choose actions by thinking.

You can then say to an offer or to an assignment,

 ”Yes I will do that. But this is the way that I should be doing it. This is the way that it should be structured. This is the way that relationships should be. These are the kinds of results to expect from me and in which paticular time-frame, because this is who I am.”

Now, Drucker becomes aligned with Nassim Nicholas Taleb, in saying that successful careers (and lives?) are not planned, they develop when people are prepared for opportunities because they know thier strengths, their method of doing things, and their values. Knowing where one belongs … can transform an ordinary person into an outstanding performer.

A star performer in life.

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Many clients ask me, “Why does psychotherapy take a long time?”

I’d like to illustrate the answer to that with a short story called ‘The autobiography’

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I do not see the hole. I fall in the hole. It is very deep, and at the bottom where I lay broken, it is dark and cold. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. Its familiar and quite cosy. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. I want to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I dread falling down the hole. I fall down the hole. And I look up and decide to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road.  I think, “oh, ha ha, no, no, I’m not falling for that again!”. I fall down the hole.  I start climbing out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I try not to, but I fall in the hole again. I get back out straight away.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. My foot slides and I fall in the hole again, but  I do not hit the bottom. I cling on to the side and get out of the hole.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I step over the hole. I do not fall into the hole.

I walk down a different road.

See also
Psychotherapy
Counselling

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There are some underlying beliefs and assumptions that are implicit within the methodology of NLP.

 

If we can operate out of the assumption and belief that the following statements are ‘the way that things are’ we can get some very interesting and useful results in terms of self improvement.

• Everyone lives in, and operates from, their model of the world.
• Mind and body are a system. They inevitably and inescapably affect each other.
• Human experience has a structure that can be represented by the sensory modalities
• Every behaviour is useful in some context. People always make the best choice for themselves given their unique model of the world, and perception of the situation.
• Individuals have all the resources necessary for change (what they may need help with is to access these resources at appropriate times and places).
• There is a distinction between the person and their behaviours. The positive worth of a person is held constant.
• There is a distinction between the behaviour of a person and their intention, or of the prupose of that behaviour. It is useful to assume that every behaviour has a positive intention.
• Each individual is infinately more than can be percieved by themselves or others.
• A person cannot NOT communicate (and behaviour is the highest quality communication)
• The meaning of the communication is the response it elicits. There is a difference between the meaning and the intention.
• If you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you always got. If what you are doing is not working, do something different.
• There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. Every ‘mistake’ is an unprecedented opportunity to learn.
• Individuals with the most flexibility have the highest probability of achieving the outcome that they desire. (This corresponds to the Law of Requisite Variety in Cybernetics)
• If it is possible for one person then it is possible for another (me). It is just a matter of how (including time, effort, and attention).

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After reading the presuppostions, notice your response to them. Do they all seem true to you?

If some seem to be contradictory to your beliefs, use those statements as the basis for personal coaching with an NLP coach or therapist, to improve your life.

• NLP Coaching
• Your Coach

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How can we have energy and feel motivated about our very existence?

I have identified three ways that, if addressed, go a long way toward bringing about a sense of loving life. This is possible for any of us.

Firstly, our life has to have meaning. We can have a sense of meaning in different degrees. Three levels of meaning and how to get them are talked about below.

Secondly, we need to ensure we are adequately refreshed, in order to deal with life and still feel energised.

Thirdly, the crucial thing, possible for all of us, is that we must transform our past pain into positive energy for living today.

Lets look at the first way of attaining life energy…

Meaning

What are the different ways in which we get a sense of our life having meaning?

A sense of purpose in our lives can come from a variety of different places, and may not be the same combination of places for any of us.

There are three levels of purpose: superficial purpose, underlying purpose, and sustaining purpose.

1. Superficial purpose. This gives a sense of meaning that is transitory. We are engaged and entertained, but the sense of meaning does not accumulate over time. Examples are things such as, short projects, casual club associations, and social situations.
2. Underlying purpose. There is usually feelings of accomplishment that add up and give us meaning which provides this second level of purpose - having children, for example, or a meaningful career.
3. Sustaining purpose comes from a life-long interest that sustains us, and provides hope and powerful life-energy. These are the things that you are committed to, or are very passionate about, for example, a love of gardening, following a sports team or a musicians events through ups and downs, love of learning and growing, devotion to God, commitment to personal development, etc.

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 Without a sense of superficial purpose, we may feel bored. Without a sense of underlying purpose we may have a low grade level of agitation or flatness. Without a sense of sustaining purpose we may feel that life has no meaning, and we could feel quietly despairing.

For emotional health we need to feel all three levels of purpose in our lives. Particularly important is a sense of sustaining purpose as it can provide hope in the way that love can provide happiness. Once we are engaged with life in a way that is deeply meaningful, hope develops, and life-energy grows alongside it.

The second way of attaining energy is to refresh…

Refreshment

What activities renew and refresh you so that you are able and willing to return to the responsibilities that we have taken on?

How do you re-charge your batteries?

Different things can be effective for different people.

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If you are an introvert (in the Jungian sense) then you re-stock your energy stores by being alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, spend time with others when they need to generate energy and feel charged-up again.

Some people like to meditate, relax in the bath, or have a massage. Others like to sing, dance or play tennis. For others, still, it’s a cathartic release such as a rock concert, a fast drive, or a ski holiday that does the job.

Burnout doesn’t only happen on the job - it happens to your life. That means to your relationships, your emotions and your physical state. Rejuvenation is essential. Little and often is best.

Now, the third way to ensure that we are tapping into all of our potential life-energy, and not letting any of that negative life-energy sap us, or take up psychological space, is to transform it…

Transformation

Past negative experiences can be transformed into nourishing contributions to ourselves and others today.

•  Failure, disappointment, loss, pain, regret, guilt, and even shame.

All of that heavy stuff can be recycled and can become the food to fuel your energy for living today.

In the safety of the therapy room, we do something with it. We acknowledge it, understand it, tolerate it, learn from it, and heal from it. We may sometimes start with small steps, but whatever the size of the steps, we walk towards wellbeing. Motivation builds and life-energy is once again present.

How rigid is your mind?

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Apparently, over 15 years of an average waking life is spent just watching TV.

How many days of an average life is spent reading webpages?

Desktop publishing and the Internet have increased access to production for everyone (for me, my blog and website, for example).

These days we have a more radical understanding of contemporary life because of the information  that we can access.

When we watch TV, or surf the web, we are creating our own meanings and emotions. Even our dreams and our own sense of identity are shaped by the media.

• But how much does the stuff you watch or read about influence your opinions?
• Does reading this website change your decision about how to act in your life?

Way back in 1944 America, Lazarsfeld conducted a study called  ‘The Peoples Choice’ in an attempt to discover the influence of the media over the American voters. He found that voting intentions were very resistant to media influence.

1. Often people had already very well defined political views - and people read the papers which supported their views, not ones which might open their minds!
2. When confronted with challenging ideas, voters simply filtered out messages that did not fit their preconceptions.

Only 5% of people were actually converted.

It used to be thought a bad thing that the media had a potential to influence. Even now, people are still wary - and there is still a lot of talk of whether TV and other media influence us, and in what ways it does so.

What I am wondering: “Is it still true that only 5% of people have minds open enough to be influenced?”

Are you going to read this blog and skim over all of the personal development stuff in the articles or self-help sections and filter out all messages that do not support your views?

Or are you going to be one of the 5% of people whose mind is opened and who can be influenced by new ideas to make your life better?

I decided to liven up a stretch of wall with some great wall-art.

Three words that read ‘Love, Laugh, Live’ now reside there.

1. Is that a good mission statement for a living human being? You might also like to read about how to be happy
2. If you’d like further lexical inspiration, mouse over to quotes about being alive 
3. If you were really dissapointed that those three little words were not what you thought, find some romance here

my soul into the world, seeking the unknown within the known. And I

sing out loud in amazement.”

~Rabindranath Tagore

Indian Philosopher and Nobel prize winning author

 It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.   

~Chinese proverb

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean

over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will

suddenly know everything there is to be known.”

~Winnie-the-Pooh. (Fictional bear created by A.A.Milne)

I think laughter may be a form of courage. As humans we sometimes

stand tall and look into the sun and laugh, and I think we are never

more brave than when we do that.

~Linda Ellerbee (1944-  ) American Journalist

“The good thing about the past is that it is over.”

~ Richard  Bandler, Co-founder of Neuro-Linguistic Programming

“The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth.”
~Albert Einstein, physicist

“Fear less, cherish more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe

more; talk less, listen more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.”

~Old Swedish Proverb

“Gratitude is wealth. Complaint is poverty.”

~Doris Day, American actress

Always laugh when you can.  It is cheap medicine.

~Lord Byron (1788-1824) English Poet

“I sing what is in my heart. My only thought now is to sing as I have never sung before.”

~Betty Robbins

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”
~Albert Schweitzer, missionary physician 

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

~ Dr. Seuss

 
“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.”
- Henry David Thoreau, essayist

Life is short and far too fragile. Whatever you dream of doing, begin. Put a first step or a “down payment” on your schedule and make it happen. Create memories. Have fun. Have an adventure. Take a (reasonable) risk. Be audacious. Laugh out loud. See what happens.
~Philip Humbert

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

~Mahatma Gandhi

You are younger today than you will ever be again. Make use of it for the sake of tomorrow.
~Norman Cousins, editor

I live a day at a time. Each day I look for a kernel of excitement. In the morning, I say: ‘What is my exciting thing for today?’ Then, I do the day. Don’t ask me about tomorrow.
~Barbara Jordan 1936-1996, Lawyer, Educator and Politician

Do not take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
~Hubbard, Elbert

Even before ‘Blog’ was picked as word of the year by Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2004, people have been enraptured by the blogosphere.

Blog, of course, is a shortened form of the word ‘weblog’ which does what it says on the tin - it is a log of web recordings.

Normally a blog is a written piece, with good photos, and the odd video popped in from time to time.  As each dated entry (post) is added, it sits above its predecessor, and so the weblog entries are displayed in reverse chronological order - just like all of the pages on this site that are accessed from the blue toolbar (the black toolbar pages are static pages, and are not blog-style pages)

Years ago, when I myself was one of the enraptured, I would be content with reading almost anything, because blogs were  all such a novelty, and there was little choice around. These days the coverage is of all subjects that you can think of,  and the scope is as broad and deep as the pacific ocean (probably).

Who knew?

People have taken to blogging like a duck to that massive body of water, and the activity of blogging has grown exponentially. People from all over the world, from all different socio-economic groups make blogs. So, what is the global fascination with blogging?

Blogging is so easy. There are really easy to use blog sites, that offer you a ready-made nice-looking blog template system, where you just type in your stuff and press publish, and its all for free! No Webmaster, no SEO, no hosting fees, nothing.

Anyone can create an online presence, and therefore can exist in cyberspace.

Why should your therapist or counsellor blog?

As an independent counselling and therapy professional, Blogging is great for me.

I can

• Show you what I have done
• Offer you my ideas
• Share internet discoveries with you

Not only can I evolve and develop by  researching and writing this stuff, but also, I can learn from the comments that you provide - from my feedback from you.

Blogging allows me to connect with you in a way that a static site never could (and never did!).

I can demonstrate to you my individuality. Show you what I am like as a person. And, unlike the articles that you read here,  in my blog, I can show the fun and light-hearted side of myself.

When you have sessions with me, you will find that I am good at what I do, I take you seriously and I find out what needs to be done, and get down to it. But also, there is room for some real human relating, and that includes laughing sometimes (yes, even in counselling and psychotherapy - sometimes) . Not only do I want to share information with you, but I want to share a more whole view of me as a person. I hope you like it 

What to do on a Friday afternoon…

What is the point of being beautiful if you never go outside?

I have decided that it might be worth popping my blog onto some excellent bloglisting sites, so that a few more people can see me.

I have listed them below:

   blogarama.com

  my blog

 

   Directory of Psychology Blogs

Blogged

KudoSurf Me!

 Blog Directory

Blog Search Engine

BlogHop.com!

Quick blog directory

Blogs Directory

You might do this with your own blog, too - feel free to use this list of blog directories.

As people, at different times in our life, we have individual crises such as loss, death, destruction, abandonment and betrayal.

As survivors of these situations we can often be left feeling helpless, depressed, full of guilt, or angry. Sometimes clients describe it to me as ‘in a black hole’ or a ‘being pulled down into a downward spiral’ ‘trapped’ or ‘up against a wall’.

Clients may find it difficult to control their thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and may be experiencing uncomfortable sensations or having upsetting images.

Often we find, as we get talking in counselling sessions, things revealed, such as,

• They doubt the possibility of existing without danger,
• They don’t feel able to control their destiny,
• Their confidence in their decision-making has gone.

What is the impact?

These people may feel angry or rageful. They might have a sense of powerlessness. It is common to oscillate between the two concepts of self (on the one hand ‘important and angry’ and on the other hand ‘insignificant’). They may lie awake at night thinking. They might be battling with solutions and come to no satisfactory way to put the situation to rights, or let it rest. This might lead the person into frustration, or being fatigued.

Temptation to adopt a ‘victim’ identity is quite strong. I speak with clients who are going through all of this and they commonly discount all previous achievements and cannot account for future accomplishments. The trauma has taken over and clouded their whole experience.

How can counselling help?

Through counselling we can move from being a victim to becoming a victor. Using the counselling conversations for reaching the inner pain and then discovering our inner strength.

The aims of the counselling are to acknowledge what happened, how it is impacting you and how to move forward.

What can we do in counselling?

The part of therapy that is about moving on from acknowledgment may include such things as:

• Understanding what happened
• Discovering coping resources
• Changing priorities and assuming self responsibility for healing
• Build a flexible balancing of tension and relaxation
• Developing strategies for dealing with crisis, stress and trauma
• Develop positive affirmations of resilience
• Possibly discovering compassion and using forgiveness
• Perhaps engaging in mourning / using rituals
• Re-examine personal space
• Rebuild trust

 If you wish to understand yourself more, as counsellor and client we can look at many different facets of limiting ways of being, find the positive in them. We might look at:

• The way that you think
• The things that you believe
• The way that you regulate emotions
• The expression of feelings
• Your physiology

 Clients are recounting personal recollections of traumatisation in a safe place and they may use, not only words, but also share dreams and nightmares, use metaphors and stories.

 What is the outcome?

Everyone is different, and each person may wish to work towards a differnt outcome - one that is right for them.

By talking through these things, and dealing with the associations, we can elicit new ideas and possibilities, which can take over from the old patterns of thought and response.

 As a counsellor I don’t give the answers. There is no one single appropriate method for coping with all crises reactions. Each person has their own specific combination of coping modes and resources. Each person finds his or her own answers. And we do this together.

 Clients need someone to bear witness to what they have gone through, or are going through. They need to be acknowledged and listened to. They need to express their reactions. They need to revisit some things in a safe environment (the counselling space).

Ultimately, clients acknowledge, and describe their pain, and then move through it. They then plan strategies of self rescue, reach a place of emotional and psychological safety. Feel once again secure and confident, and regain their potency and personal power.

What do Person Centred Counsellors do?

Person Centred Counsellors (of which I am one) believe in awareness of the core conditions, i.e. empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard. And these core conditions underpin the quality of relating between the two people, therapist and client.

What do Transactional Analysts do?

 In Transactional Analysis the same things are known, but the language is different. TA therapists (of which I am, also, one) say that everyone has worth and everyuone has the capacity to think - and therefore deserve to be treated accordingly.

People who know a little about TA have probably heard of the saying, “I’m OK, You’re OK” - this is not in the sense of “I’m all right, Jack!” but rather, “I know that I am worthwhile in my own eyes and in yours, and I know that you are worthwhile in my eyes and yours”. (If the client does not yet believe either part of that, therein lies psychotherapeutic growth-potential).

Counsellors across all modalities respond to their clients at different levels

We humans are so complex and we function at a number of levels psychologically. Therapists and counsellors need to listen out for those different levels and respond to those different levels of functioning in both clients, and in themselves.

There is benefit in both the non-diresctive style and in the directive style

Person Centred therapists are known for being non-directive. What is important in this way of therapy is that clients can develop new meaning in their lives by retelling their life stories - by making narratives. Having those experiences emerge and perhaps be expressed at a metaphorical level, not only in the words, but also in the felt meaning that is shared between the two people present, is very valuable.

Valuable, also, is a therapist sometimes being directive, and confronting clients’ beliefs, or defences. Counsellors, therefore, need to make judgements and take choices about which way to respond to clients at any one time.  This is related to the levels of functioning, mentioned above.  The same therapist will be engaging in an empathetic way, using non-interrupting style sometimes, in response to certain levels of a client, and at other times, in response to other levels, the therapist could be making interventions and taking more risks.