Rose-Tinted Specs
May 16, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Sometimes we all get a little illusionary in relationships.
In fact, in adolescence, its an absolute must-do. Not only because of the social norms, but also because it is a natural and healthy developmental phase to go through, usually throughout the teenage years.
If it happens when you are 35, 45, 0r 55, even, then clearly you aren’t passing through a phase of development, but rather have regressed back, for some reason or another.
Four examples of illusions in clients relationships
When Mr K ’rediscovered’ the thrill of joining up with the football fans and going to all the away games and getting drunk for the whole day (something he had not done for 18 years) he knew that it was related to the fact that his wife wanted a divorce (yet she would not go until the last of their children left home in 3 years time). Mr K was reasonably ok with what he was doing, considering it an ‘escape’ and harmless energy release (but discounting the sometimes dangerous atmosphere).
During couples therapy, Mrs J told me how she ’cheered up’ when she put on her Boyzone DVD’s every evening, while her husband was in their attic study on the Internet until midnight. Although, she said that she would much rather he come down and be with her. Yet when he did, they both felt uncomfortable and did not make any conversation.
D said that he just needed to sort out his depression. There was nothing wrong with his life, nothing wrong with his relationship, and certainly nothing wrong with his partner. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They were best friends, perfect lovers, and true soul-mates. She was the perfect body shape, the perfect temperament for him, and was loved by ‘everyone’. All he wanted from therapy was to concentrate on getting his mood back up and ‘getting going’ again.
H wanted to cope with not seeing her partner very often. All the problems were due to his work, and the demands placed on him. H was super-reasonable about the circumstances of their living arrangement (i.e. he was just at home two days per week). She complained of her super-sensitivity, and disliked what she called ‘being weak’. Everything would be all right in her life and in her relationship if her partners workplace did not put so many obstacles in their way (i.e. it is the organisation that is the problem, not the relationship).
What do all of these stories have in common?
Positive Relationship Illusions.
There two types of illusions that I am referring to are
- I. Idolisation
- II. Idealisation
Idolisation
In the first one, Idolisation, we uncritically ‘love’ a figure or group from the world of music, entertainment or sport. Celebrities receive wide exposure in the mass media and are available to us via TV, events and concerts, films, etc.
Idolisation is based on two components
- Worship
- Modelling
Worshipping is about intense admiration and involves behaviours such as repeatedly viewing or listening to them, collecting memorabilia, going to events.
Modelling refers to the desire to be like the idol, and involves attempts at trying to be like them, or taking on their values and beliefs.
The purpose of idolising is to shield us from hurt and fears (for example, isolation or lonliness). We withdraw from ‘real’ relationship and seek to love and be loved by a completely dependable, constantly available object.
We create the idol and it provides both satisfaction and a sense of security.
Being a ‘fan’ offers a way to sublimate romantic and sexual yearnings.
Media stars are the obvious choice of idol because they are a ‘legitimate’ choice (its socially acceptable to be a fan) and because they media stars are always inaccessible (i.e. it is unlikely that a real romantic relationship will evolve and thereby spoil the fantasy of having a reciprocal relationship).
Idolisation is usually done with awareness.
Idealisation
The process of idealisation, however, is usually not done in awareness. It is a subconscious process. Idealised qualities are projected onto the person or situation and even when we are confronted with faults or weaknesses we deny them. We are projecting what we most desire, and we are believing it is real.
Idealisation illusions can include:
- Illusions of self-positivity
- Optimism about the future
- Exaggerated perceptions of control
The purpose that idealising serves is to keep up our self-esteem in the face of threats. So, for example, we could believe someone (or our relationship with them) was perfect, i.e. avoid acknowledging flaws, and this would assist us in side-stepping the pain of disappointment. Or, in another example, we could be idealising a person or situation to avoiding becoming aware of disapproval from them, and denying the discomfort and unease.
They don’t call them defences for nothing
Everyone is doing the best that they know how at any one time.
We sort things out when we are ready to.
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If a situation or a stage of life is perceived as unsolvable, if a person has to live with anxiety or stress for a fair amount of time, then it is understandable that defences will be used.
They can be quite handy at times.
Defences can enable us to: carry on, keep functioning, see things out.
Using processes of idolisation and idealisation is normal in small degrees. For peace of mind and a relaxed psyche, though, we need to work through defences, and gradually take them down.
Solutions
A possible therapeutic direction for using idealisation would be about acknowledging flaws and weaknesses gradually, at a pace that is the same as your ability to deal with them.
For idolisation, look at what you are doing, and see the good in it. Use the idol as a model and, along with your therapist, integrate aspects of that person as appropriate.
Additionally, spin the projection around. Discover what the idol ‘gives back’ to you in your ‘relationship’ with them, or acknowledge what it is that you so selflessly give to them, and find an appropriate way to give that to yourself (or find a way to get it for yourself).
Therapeutic processes word map
April 21, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
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Hypnotherapy word map
April 21, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · 1 Comment
Nine Tasks to Raise Your Self Esteem
February 5, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
I'm Worth It!
Every person has the capacity of high self-esteem
- We are not born with it.
- We need to build it up.
If you did not build up your own self esteem high enough as a child – it is not too late to do so now.
Building high self-esteem is a process, not something you can develop overnight.
As adults, we can choose the messages we accept or reject.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
Are you ready to make a commitment to increase your self-esteem?”
If your answer is yes, here are 9 Tasks that you can use to build up and raise your self esteem…
Task One
Stop comparing yourself with other people.
There will always be some people who have more than you and some who have less.
If you play the comparison game, you’ll run into too many “opponents” you can’t defeat.
Task Two
Stop putting yourself down.
You can’t develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities.
Whether speaking about your appearances, your career, your relationships, your financial situation, or any other aspects of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments.
Start building yourself up.
Appraise your positive qualities and tell yourself over again.
Be realistic.
Fill your own head with positive phrases about yourself.
Start focusing on your positive traits and you’ll stand a much better chance of achieving what you wish to achieve.
Task Three
Accept all compliments with “thank you”.
Ever received a compliment and replied,” Oh, it was nothing.”
When you reject a compliment, the message you give yourself is that you are not worthy of praise.
Respond to all compliments with a simple “Thank You”.
Task Four
Take advantage of workshops, books and cassette tape programs on self-esteem.
Whatever material you allow to dominate mind will eventually take root and affect your behaviour.
If you watch negative television programs or read newspaper reports of murders and business rip off; you will grow cynical and pessimistic.
Similarly, if you read books or listen to programs, that are positive in nature, you will take on these characteristics.
Look for positive things and people all around you and not on negative ones.
“Be the Change that You Wish to See in the World” (Mahatma Gandhi).
Task Five
Make a list of your past successes.
This doesn’t necessarily have to consist of monumental accomplishments. It can include your ‘minor victories’, like learning to skate, finishing college, receiving an award or promotion, reaching a business goal, etc.
Read this list often.
While reviewing it, close your eyes and recreate the feelings of satisfaction and joy you experienced when you first attained each success.
Task Six
Start giving more.
I’m not talking about money. Rather, I mean that you must begin to give more of yourself to those around you.
When you do things for others, you are making a positive contribution and you begin to feel more valuable, which, in turn, lifts your spirits and raises your own self-esteem.
Task Seven
Get involved in work and activities you love.
It’s hard to feel good about yourself if your days are spent in work you despise. S
elf-esteem flourishes when you are engaged in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable.
Even if you can’t explore alternative career options at the present time, you can still devote leisure time to hobbies and activities, which you find stimulating and enjoyable.
Task Eight
Be true to yourself. Live your own life - not the life others have decided is best for you.
You’ll never gain your own respect and feel good about yourself if you aren’t leading the life you want to lead.
If you’re making decisions based on getting approval from friends and relatives, you aren’t being true to yourself and your self-esteem is lowered.
Task Nine
Take action!
You won’t develop high self-esteem if you sit on the sidelines and back away from challenges.
When you take action - regardless of the ensuing result - you feel better about yourself.
When you fail to move forward because of fear and anxiety, you’ll be frustrated and unhappy - and you will undoubtedly deal a damaging blow to your self-esteem.
So there are the 9 Tasks
Do all 9 tasks at your own pace.
That is the process of building self esteem.
You are unique.- You have enormous potential
- You already have the capacity for experiencing love of yourself and extending love to others.
As your self-esteem grows, you’ll not be afraid of failure, but will take more risks and relax about life.
You wont be as concerned with getting approval of others.
Your relationships will be much more rewarding.
You’ll pursue activities that bring you joy and satisfaction.
And you will make a positive contribution to the world.
Most importantly, high self esteem brings you peace of mind
If you think that you may be interested in coming along to have sessions with a coach or therapist that will support and encourage you as you build your self esteem, or who will work with you to resolve anything in your way of building it up, then please do get in touch.
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