Happy new year 2010
December 31, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Happy New Years Graphic provided by MUDTRAP.COM
www.365greetings.com
Rose-Tinted Specs
May 16, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
Sometimes we all get a little illusionary in relationships.
In fact, in adolescence, its an absolute must-do. Not only because of the social norms, but also because it is a natural and healthy developmental phase to go through, usually throughout the teenage years.
If it happens when you are 35, 45, 0r 55, even, then clearly you aren’t passing through a phase of development, but rather have regressed back, for some reason or another.
Four examples of illusions in clients relationships
When Mr K ’rediscovered’ the thrill of joining up with the football fans and going to all the away games and getting drunk for the whole day (something he had not done for 18 years) he knew that it was related to the fact that his wife wanted a divorce (yet she would not go until the last of their children left home in 3 years time). Mr K was reasonably ok with what he was doing, considering it an ‘escape’ and harmless energy release (but discounting the sometimes dangerous atmosphere).
During couples therapy, Mrs J told me how she ’cheered up’ when she put on her Boyzone DVD’s every evening, while her husband was in their attic study on the Internet until midnight. Although, she said that she would much rather he come down and be with her. Yet when he did, they both felt uncomfortable and did not make any conversation.
D said that he just needed to sort out his depression. There was nothing wrong with his life, nothing wrong with his relationship, and certainly nothing wrong with his partner. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They were best friends, perfect lovers, and true soul-mates. She was the perfect body shape, the perfect temperament for him, and was loved by ‘everyone’. All he wanted from therapy was to concentrate on getting his mood back up and ‘getting going’ again.
H wanted to cope with not seeing her partner very often. All the problems were due to his work, and the demands placed on him. H was super-reasonable about the circumstances of their living arrangement (i.e. he was just at home two days per week). She complained of her super-sensitivity, and disliked what she called ‘being weak’. Everything would be all right in her life and in her relationship if her partners workplace did not put so many obstacles in their way (i.e. it is the organisation that is the problem, not the relationship).
What do all of these stories have in common?
Positive Relationship Illusions.
There two types of illusions that I am referring to are
- I. Idolisation
- II. Idealisation
Idolisation
In the first one, Idolisation, we uncritically ‘love’ a figure or group from the world of music, entertainment or sport. Celebrities receive wide exposure in the mass media and are available to us via TV, events and concerts, films, etc.
Idolisation is based on two components
- Worship
- Modelling
Worshipping is about intense admiration and involves behaviours such as repeatedly viewing or listening to them, collecting memorabilia, going to events.
Modelling refers to the desire to be like the idol, and involves attempts at trying to be like them, or taking on their values and beliefs.
The purpose of idolising is to shield us from hurt and fears (for example, isolation or lonliness). We withdraw from ‘real’ relationship and seek to love and be loved by a completely dependable, constantly available object.
We create the idol and it provides both satisfaction and a sense of security.
Being a ‘fan’ offers a way to sublimate romantic and sexual yearnings.
Media stars are the obvious choice of idol because they are a ‘legitimate’ choice (its socially acceptable to be a fan) and because they media stars are always inaccessible (i.e. it is unlikely that a real romantic relationship will evolve and thereby spoil the fantasy of having a reciprocal relationship).
Idolisation is usually done with awareness.
Idealisation
The process of idealisation, however, is usually not done in awareness. It is a subconscious process. Idealised qualities are projected onto the person or situation and even when we are confronted with faults or weaknesses we deny them. We are projecting what we most desire, and we are believing it is real.
Idealisation illusions can include:
- Illusions of self-positivity
- Optimism about the future
- Exaggerated perceptions of control
The purpose that idealising serves is to keep up our self-esteem in the face of threats. So, for example, we could believe someone (or our relationship with them) was perfect, i.e. avoid acknowledging flaws, and this would assist us in side-stepping the pain of disappointment. Or, in another example, we could be idealising a person or situation to avoiding becoming aware of disapproval from them, and denying the discomfort and unease.
They don’t call them defences for nothing
Everyone is doing the best that they know how at any one time.
We sort things out when we are ready to.
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If a situation or a stage of life is perceived as unsolvable, if a person has to live with anxiety or stress for a fair amount of time, then it is understandable that defences will be used.
They can be quite handy at times.
Defences can enable us to: carry on, keep functioning, see things out.
Using processes of idolisation and idealisation is normal in small degrees. For peace of mind and a relaxed psyche, though, we need to work through defences, and gradually take them down.
Solutions
A possible therapeutic direction for using idealisation would be about acknowledging flaws and weaknesses gradually, at a pace that is the same as your ability to deal with them.
For idolisation, look at what you are doing, and see the good in it. Use the idol as a model and, along with your therapist, integrate aspects of that person as appropriate.
Additionally, spin the projection around. Discover what the idol ‘gives back’ to you in your ‘relationship’ with them, or acknowledge what it is that you so selflessly give to them, and find an appropriate way to give that to yourself (or find a way to get it for yourself).
The pain of betrayal and the stress of denial…
April 5, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
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The other weekend I went to the theatre to see a play, made of a true story, entitled ‘Pack of Lies’.
It was about an ordinary English suburban couple (husband and wife Bill and Ruth Search)and their daughter, Gay Search, living an ordinary life in the 1950’s and 60’s.
They had made friends with a couple across the road, who had moved in from Canada. And they had known them for about 5 years, spending nice friendly evenings with them, and having them pop around for cups of tea and so on.
One day a government agency official descends on the Search family, and persuades them to allow covert viewing of the neighbours house. The family reluctantly agree, not only unaware that the spying operation from their spare room would go on for a long time, but also totally unprepared for the effect that it would have on them to find out that their friends and neighbours were not what the Search family had known them to be.
The Krogers, across the road, were actually Morris and Lona Cohen, a pair of spies, who worked with fellow spy Gordon Lonsdale, photographing and encoding as microdots various pieces of material which they then sent to their colleagues in Russia. The microdots were sent inside antiquarian books.
Ruth Search, found the ongoing observation operation very disturbing. She often got very angry with the government officials for treating her ‘friends’ in this way. When the Krogers (actually the Cohens) were arrested in January 1961, due in part as a result of evidence gained from spying on them from the Search household, Ruth Search became very ill and died not long afterward.
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It seems that the pain of betrayal, and the battering down of her beliefs in the friendship, along with the strain of attempting to carry on as normal with a covert operation going on in her house, were all too much for her.
She was unable to live with the reality. Ruth tried to cling on to her reality for as long as possible, until it was impossible. Ruth was in denial.
There are many processes that we use to keep parts of reality hidden from ourselves. See here for 10 ways that denial is used, and see whether you can spot how many apply to you, in regard to the things that you need to come to terms with, or change, in your life.
Is your mind closed or open?
March 1, 2009 by Vauna Beauvais · Leave a Comment
How rigid is your mind?
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Apparently, over 15 years of an average waking life is spent just watching TV.
How many days of an average life is spent reading webpages?
Desktop publishing and the Internet have increased access to production for everyone (for me, my blog and website, for example).
These days we have a more radical understanding of contemporary life because of the information that we can access.
When we watch TV, or surf the web, we are creating our own meanings and emotions. Even our dreams and our own sense of identity are shaped by the media.
- But how much does the stuff you watch or read about influence your opinions?
- Does reading this website change your decision about how to act in your life?
Way back in 1944 America, Lazarsfeld conducted a study called ‘The Peoples Choice’ in an attempt to discover the influence of the media over the American voters. He found that voting intentions were very resistant to media influence.
- Often people had already very well defined political views - and people read the papers which supported their views, not ones which might open their minds!
- When confronted with challenging ideas, voters simply filtered out messages that did not fit their preconceptions.
Only 5% of people were actually converted.
It used to be thought a bad thing that the media had a potential to influence. Even now, people are still wary - and there is still a lot of talk of whether TV and other media influence us, and in what ways it does so.
What I am wondering: “Is it still true that only 5% of people have minds open enough to be influenced?”
Are you going to read this blog and skim over all of the personal development stuff in the articles or self-help sections and filter out all messages that do not support your views?
Or are you going to be one of the 5% of people whose mind is opened and who can be influenced by new ideas to make your life better?
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